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One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I
cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his
door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as, "How to
Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between Left and Right.

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from
the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is
paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at
Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential
Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw
(see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips
Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The
Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the
Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down,
and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over
there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and
hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant
and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give
Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The
Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his
back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me. Im collecting
disability!"

When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and
yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the
common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next; he beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to
write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 67 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the
terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden whined through blood and broken teeth and said,
"This is not what you promised me."

*The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT!

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention.
Barack looked at Hillary,chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right
now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten
people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred
people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all
of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

JOGGING WITH BILL CLINTON

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker
standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached
her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton .

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back,"Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple
neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what
he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior
Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than
usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks!?"

THE JOY OF BEING RETIRED

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other
day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired
person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper
sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked: "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"

The Marine shrugged and replied: "Recoil."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt
his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm collecting
disability."

A Man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks
behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your
clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two
lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George
Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!" George Bush replies, "Oh yeah
and tell me what you see?" Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful
new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful." George Bush says, "Wow is that what you
see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here
and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street." Osama asks, "And what do they say?"
George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"

A teacher in New York asked her class how many of them are Hillary fans. Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is,
but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy. The teacher asked Johnny why he
has decided to be different.

Johnny said, "I'm not a Hillary fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?"

Johnny replied, "I'm a George W. Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George W. Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George W. Bush fan and my
dad's a George W. Bush fan, so I'm a George W. Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry. So she demands, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would
that make you?"

Johnny sighs and anwsers, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

One Monday afternoon a man approached the front gate to the Whitehouse. The guard at the gate asked the man to
state his business. “I want to see President Clinton,” the man said. The guard calmly replied “President Clinton isn’t
the President anymore.” The man smiled, thanked the guard, and walked away.

The very next day the same man approached the same gate and asked the same guard, “I want to see President
Clinton.” The guard patiently responded that Clinton wasn’t the President anymore.

As the guard walked his post on Wednesday the very same man approached yet again and asked “Can I please see
President Clinton?” The guard was a bit exasperated at this point and said, “Look buddy, I have told you two times
that Clinton isn’t the President anymore.” The man smiled broadly and said, “I know, I know, I just like hearing that.”
The guard smiled and then snapped to attention and replied, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

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