| JOKES |
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A popular Des Moines Barber shop had a new robotic barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As the robot
began to cut his hair it asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make
conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and said, "This is
really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the robot asked him as it began the haircut, "What's your IQ?" The man
responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, Wow,
this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70." The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats are really excited about
Hillary running for president?"
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat politician and a leech?
A: A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
POLITICS FOR DUMMIES:
FASCISM:
You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.
NAZISM:
You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoot you.
BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. State takes both of them, kills one and spills the milk down the drain.
DEMOCRAT / SOCIALIST (Same thing these days...)
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. The government takes one and
gives it to someone else. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is
expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
A traveller wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in
human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/oz
Philosophers' Brains $12/oz
Scientists' Brains $15/oz
Republicans' Brains $19/oz
Democrats' Brains $2,000/oz
Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted, "My those Democrats' brains must be popular!" To which the butcher
replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many Democrats you have to kill to get a ounce of brains?!"
Recently seen in New Orleans: Democrats, like diapers, need to be changed. Often for the same reason!!!
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
A: At least ten, as they will need to have a discussion about whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree
upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms
of light.
"John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them
wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts." --David Letterman
"John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty
and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg." --Jay Leno
"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for."
—David Letterman
"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his
favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." —Jay Leno
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, but
her father was a staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to high
taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked how she was doing in school.
She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA, but it was really tough. She had to study all the time and never had time to go
out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all
her time studying. On top of that, the part-time job her father insisted she keep left absolutely no time for anything else.
He asked, 'How is your friend Mary?' She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied,
but was very popular on campus, didn't have a job, and went to all the parties. She was always complaining about not
having any money, but didn't want to work. Why, she often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over.
Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and request that 1.0 be taken off her 4.0 and given
it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a respectable 3.0 GPA. Then, she could also give
her friend half the money she'd earned from her job so that her friend would no longer be broke. The daughter angrily
fired back, 'That wouldn't be fair. I worked really hard for my grades and money, and Mary just loafs. Why should her
laziness and irresponsibility be rewarded with half of what I've worked for?' The father slowly smiled and said,
'Welcome to the Republican Party'."
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if
they were liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher,
their hands flew up into the air. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the
crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat." "Then,"
asks the teacher, "What are you?" ''Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl. The teacher, a
little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she was a conservative Republican. "Well, I was brought up
to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and
Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher, now angry, loudly says,
"That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" She
pauses, and lets out a smile. "Then," Lucy says, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."
A Democrat found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I
were smarter". So the genie made him a Republican.
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies
everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job four years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars,
cruise around, and talk with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college
he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him any more. You're a United States Senator from New
York. Act like it!
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks
the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have iou r herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure,
Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the i mage has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to
the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of
his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man,? "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back
my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,? "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
There was a Republican who was running for office. And he came to a very Democratic town, and he went to this
house the ladies son opens the door, and the Republican says, "Hi, I am so-and so, and I am running for the Republican
office." And the kid says "Can you hold on a second sir? I have to go get my mother, she has never seen a Republican
before."
So the Represenative stands on a mound of what the lady has been trying for 30 years to get her husband ro call
fertilizer. And he makes his speech, and the woman says to him, "Wow that is the first time I have ever heard a
Republican speech before."
And the Representive, tells the lady, "Well, ma'am that is the first time, I have given a Republican speech from a
Democratic platform."
began to cut his hair it asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make
conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and said, "This is
really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the robot asked him as it began the haircut, "What's your IQ?" The man
responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, Wow,
this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70." The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats are really excited about
Hillary running for president?"
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat politician and a leech?
A: A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
POLITICS FOR DUMMIES:
FASCISM:
You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.
NAZISM:
You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoot you.
BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. State takes both of them, kills one and spills the milk down the drain.
DEMOCRAT / SOCIALIST (Same thing these days...)
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. The government takes one and
gives it to someone else. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is
expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
A traveller wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in
human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/oz
Philosophers' Brains $12/oz
Scientists' Brains $15/oz
Republicans' Brains $19/oz
Democrats' Brains $2,000/oz
Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted, "My those Democrats' brains must be popular!" To which the butcher
replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many Democrats you have to kill to get a ounce of brains?!"
Recently seen in New Orleans: Democrats, like diapers, need to be changed. Often for the same reason!!!
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
A: At least ten, as they will need to have a discussion about whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree
upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms
of light.
"John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them
wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts." --David Letterman
"John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty
and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg." --Jay Leno
"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for."
—David Letterman
"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his
favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." —Jay Leno
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, but
her father was a staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to high
taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked how she was doing in school.
She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA, but it was really tough. She had to study all the time and never had time to go
out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all
her time studying. On top of that, the part-time job her father insisted she keep left absolutely no time for anything else.
He asked, 'How is your friend Mary?' She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied,
but was very popular on campus, didn't have a job, and went to all the parties. She was always complaining about not
having any money, but didn't want to work. Why, she often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over.
Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and request that 1.0 be taken off her 4.0 and given
it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a respectable 3.0 GPA. Then, she could also give
her friend half the money she'd earned from her job so that her friend would no longer be broke. The daughter angrily
fired back, 'That wouldn't be fair. I worked really hard for my grades and money, and Mary just loafs. Why should her
laziness and irresponsibility be rewarded with half of what I've worked for?' The father slowly smiled and said,
'Welcome to the Republican Party'."
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if
they were liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher,
their hands flew up into the air. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the
crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat." "Then,"
asks the teacher, "What are you?" ''Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl. The teacher, a
little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she was a conservative Republican. "Well, I was brought up
to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and
Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher, now angry, loudly says,
"That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" She
pauses, and lets out a smile. "Then," Lucy says, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."
A Democrat found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I
were smarter". So the genie made him a Republican.
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies
everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job four years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars,
cruise around, and talk with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college
he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him any more. You're a United States Senator from New
York. Act like it!
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks
the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have iou r herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure,
Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the i mage has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to
the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of
his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man,? "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back
my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,? "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
There was a Republican who was running for office. And he came to a very Democratic town, and he went to this
house the ladies son opens the door, and the Republican says, "Hi, I am so-and so, and I am running for the Republican
office." And the kid says "Can you hold on a second sir? I have to go get my mother, she has never seen a Republican
before."
So the Represenative stands on a mound of what the lady has been trying for 30 years to get her husband ro call
fertilizer. And he makes his speech, and the woman says to him, "Wow that is the first time I have ever heard a
Republican speech before."
And the Representive, tells the lady, "Well, ma'am that is the first time, I have given a Republican speech from a
Democratic platform."
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